He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
