I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
