someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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