Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
