The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
