i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
