I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
