I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
