Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
