shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
