if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
