So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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