I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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