can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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