just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
