After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
