I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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