he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
