Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ugly people sure do ruin things
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize