I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
