happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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