the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
