just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
