OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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