Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We need to rekindle our bromance
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have fence marks all over my body
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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