God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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