Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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