Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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