if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
