i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
