Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
