party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
