look no pants
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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