i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
