Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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