i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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