you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
