I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
