Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
