He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
