Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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