Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
