My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize