I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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