Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
