just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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