RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
