my shit smells like andre
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
