so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
