This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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