Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
