There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
