I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
