he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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