Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
