I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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