I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
