Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
