He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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