My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
