Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
