If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
